The Year That Was 2014

From the December 2014 edition of The Man magazine. This year’s will be out first week of December and will be just as bad. If not worse. 

Every year we evolve as a race. We become stronger, faster, taller, smarter, and more creative. Only in theory, though. In reality, we are idiots, making bigger idiots of ourselves every year. And if the point of our existence is not yet clear then let me break it down for you – We are God’s television set providing comic relief, action, drama, romance and a whole lot of porn. Don’t believe me? A look back at the year that was, should clear the air…

India has a new prime minister. He hails from a dry state and has the word ‘bar’ in his campaign slogan. He also has set the record for the most number of people chanting a single individual’s name at Madison Square Garden. The previous record was held by the Undertaker, a man renowned for putting people in coffins, yet loved by one and all for his theatrics. Atleast the crowd there is consistent.

The overriding plotline to the new year was the outbreak of ebola, which people seem to know little about apart from the rumour that it first came about due to someone humping a monkey. The index case of the ebola virus is a 2 year old African kid. I will let that rest by itself, because no politically correct joke can be made with that information. Secondly when monkeys and humans mate you don’t get Ebola, you get Mayawati. By the way what is up with ‘Ebola’? The most dangerous virus to float since the dawn of mankind and the best we can come up with is a name that sounds like a malayali trying to cuss in Hindi??

Speaking of idiotic names and genocide, ISIS came into prominence this year. They are an all dark and scary, ‘I behead you infidel’ type of terrorist, who want a separate state for themselves. And in trying to get a separate state they plan to kill ayyyyvrybody. Which brings some much needed perspective on how chilled out the whole Telangana thing played out.

Malaysian Airline Flight 370 went missing and still has not been found. Malaysian Airline Flight 17 was shot down in Ukraine a few months later. Google has brought street view to 90% of Malaysia, because obviously the country’s problems are vehicles that are ON the ground.

The football World Cup was the greatest service that FIFA did for Brazil. It made the world care about how corrupt the Brazilian government was, and how the poor in the country would suffer in the wake of the tournament. For exactly one month. Then James Rodriguez won the Golden boot, Germany won the World Cup, Luis Suarez won the internet and all was right with the world again.

A new internet craze was born – The Ice Bucket Challenge. Pouring water on ourselves, was apparently the new way to save the lives of people affected by ALS. Next up is AIDS, which will get eradicated by eating dhokla on a moving train and stupidity which will get eradicated by jumping off the moving train. The world’s favorite comedian committed suicide, the grand irony of his life giving closet writers the opportunity to write eulogies on social media about how much his life and death had affected their lives.  They uploaded it with sad faced selfies.  

ISRO made the country proud by launching Mangalaayan into the Mars orbit. And even before it has accomplished what it has set out to do, Indians began comparing it with its American counterpart. Our bragging right? Mangalaayan is cheaper! OLX pe bech dein??

Ukraine and Pro Russian rebels are locked in combat, while the Israel Palestine issue escalates. Small battle pockets are being formed as humanity forgets its history. Again. Peace has become boring now, and the world, without many realizing, stands at the brink of being torn apart… by war or global warming or both. At a time like this, the only question worth asking is this – Is Sushant Singh Rajput the right actor to play MS Dhoni??

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